Funny Pictures @ i am Joker 9 - funny pics archive, Plus email jokes!

Need more movies, games and softwares. Keep watching me :)

Soy Protein for Weight Loss

2012-02-08T03:41:00.001-08:00

Protein makes up a significant amount of your body. According to
PowerSupplements.com, water is the only substance more present in your
system. Protein is necessary to build and rebuild muscle mass, repair
damaged tissue, and it keeps the body healthy and defends it against
diseases. Although they are both sources of protein, nutritionists,
athletes, vegetarians and fitness gurus often debate soy protein vs.
whey protein for weight loss.

Benefits

Soy protein and whey protein both reduce calorie intake, decrease food
cravings and raise energy levels. Both proteins are gluten and
cholesterol free and safe for those who are lactose intolerant. Soy
and whey protein are beneficial in weight loss when added to a
balanced, low-calorie diet. The average adult needs to consume .75
grams of protein for every kilogram of body weight, which makes each
person's daily requirements different.

Differences

Whey and soy are different in that whey comes from milk and soy comes
from a plant. According to the Whey Protein Institute, whey is a more
nutritionally complete protein because it contains bioactive
ingredients that foster the immune system. Whey also consists of
branched chain amino acids. Soy protein does not absorb as quickly as
whey protein, causing it to be slower at repairing muscle tissue after
a workout. However, soy protein is less expensive and may be better
for women's weight control.

Considerations

In the article, "Soy Protein diet shakes are best for women trying to
lose weight," it suggests that soy benefits women's health and weight
loss. Because soy contains lecthin, the article says this protein
shake will help reduce cellulite in women. Phytoestrogen found in soy
improves texture and strength of skin, nails and hair. Soy controls
overproduction of insulin. Overproduction of insulin contributes to
the over-storage of sugar, which turns to fat in the body. Soy is also
helpful in controlling weight in women during menopause.

Research

A 12-week study, published on PubMed Central, was conducted on two
groups of individuals to test the effectiveness of whey protein on
weight loss. Both groups reduced their diets by 500 calories, but one
group incorporated whey protein into its diet. At the end of the
study, both groups lost similar amounts of weight. However, those who
took whey protein had less body fat and better preservation of muscle
mass.

Warning

Soy protein may be harmful to people with thyroid problems, says
Thyroid-Info.com. Soy can negatively effect someone who currently has
a thyroid issue, and it can cause thyroid problems in healthy
individuals when taken in large quantities. Whey protein can cause
liver damage when taken in large quantities. It is important to
proportion your soy or whey protein intake to your weight. Check
labels on protein shakes and supplements so as not to exceed the
recommended dosage.

Regards,

I Saw The Devil Movie (2010) added!

2012-02-07T22:43:00.001-08:00

Kyung-chul (Choi Min-sik) is a dangerous psychopath who kills for
pleasure. He has committed infernal serial murders in diabolic ways
that one cannot even imagine and his victims range from young women to
even children. The police have chased him for a long time, but were
unable to catch him. One day, Joo-yeon, daughter of a retired police
chief becomes his prey and is found dead in a horrific state. Her
fiance Soo-hyun (Lee Byung-hun), a top secret agent, decides to track
down the murderer himself. He promises himself that he will do
everything in his power to take bloody vengeance against the killer,
even if it means that he must become a monster himself to get this
monstrous and inhumane killer. Written by jck movies.

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3, Helldriver' and many many more action, suspence, horror and
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http://goo.gl/UECNC

Shalwar Kameez – Traditional Dress

2012-02-07T02:39:00.001-08:00

Shalwar kameez—alternatively salwar kameez or shalwar qameez—is a
traditional dress worn by both women and men in South Asia and Central
Asia. Shalwar are loose pajama-like trousers. The legs are wide at the
top and narrow at the ankle. The kameez is a long shirt or tunic. The
side seams (known as the chaak), left open below the waist-line, give
the wearer greater freedom of movement.

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American Psychological Thriller film!

2012-02-06T22:22:00.001-08:00

Shutter Island is a 2010 American psychological thriller film directed
by Martin Scorsese. The film is based on Dennis Lehane's 2003 novel of
the same name. Production started in March 2008. Leonardo DiCaprio
stars as U.S. Marshal Edward "Teddy" Daniels, who is investigating a
psychiatric facility located on the island named in the title. The
film grossed over $128 million in its initial domestic theater release.

Shutter Island was originally stated to be released on October 2,
2009, but Paramount Pictures and DreamWorks Pictures pushed the
release date to February 19, 2010.

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The Last Airbender [2010] direct link

2012-02-06T02:47:00.001-08:00

Haven't seen Avatar The Last Air Bender?

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Nokia N-Series applications links!

2012-02-05T21:43:00.001-08:00

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Looking for Android Application!

2012-02-05T05:58:00.001-08:00

Check out Fun-Talk, I just added Adroid Application direct links.

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For chess lovers only!!

2012-02-04T10:36:00.001-08:00

I have added CHESS TITANS (for win v7). Great 3D Game, only 11mb.
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Johnny English Reborn is here!

2012-02-04T03:53:00.001-08:00

After a sudden attack on the MI5, Johnny English, Britain's most
confident yet unintelligent spy, becomes Britain's only spy.

Checkout direct link of Mr. Bean movie:

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FUN TALK

Nintendo 64 Roms - Direct download!

2012-02-03T03:51:00.001-08:00

The Nintendo 64, often referred to as N64, is Nintendo′s third home
video game console for the international market. Named for the 64-bit
CPU, it was released in June 1996 in Japan, September 1996 in North
America, March 1997 in Europe and Australia, September 1997 in France
and December 1997 in Brazil. It is Nintendo′s last home console to use
ROM cartridges to store games (Nintendo switched to a MiniDVD-based
format for the successor GameCube); handhelds in the Game Boy line,
however, continued to use Game Paks. It was discontinued in 2001 in
Japan, North America and PAL regions by the launch of Nintendo′s
GameCube.

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Real Steel movie added!

2012-02-02T21:22:00.001-08:00

Check out this movie in 720p (high resolution)

Name: Real Steel
Size: 850mb
Frmt: MKV
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2012-02-01T23:15:00.001-08:00

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Benefits of Soy Protein for Women

2012-02-01T22:45:00.001-08:00

Soy has been a regular source of food in other parts of the world for
centuries, but it's just now becoming popular in Western culture. We
see soy milk, soy yogurt and edamame on the grocery store shelves, but
sometimes we don't really know why we should be eating them. What's so
great about soy protein, and why is it better for us than other
sources of protein? Turns out that soy protein is of great benefit for
a woman's overall health, including muscle strength, heart health and
strong bones. Grab that container of soy milk and read on.

Build Muscles Without Building Fat

Protein is necessary for a healthy body and good muscle growth, but
many animal sources of protein also include high levels of calories
and fat. According to RevolutionHealth.com, soy foods are a great
source of plant protein as they are cholesterol-free and low in
saturated fat. Try substituting soy products for your normal, higher
fat protein sources. Instead of a hamburger, have a vegetarian soy
burger. Top your toast with soy nut butter instead of butter and jam.
Eat a handful of roasted soy nuts instead of peanuts, pecans or
pistachios.

Have a Healthy Heart

Soy foods contain the good fats, those essential, polyunsaturated
omega-3 fats that, according to RevolutionHealth.com, are linked with
a lower risk of heart disease. Additionally, including more plant
protein instead of more carbohydrates in your diet helps to lower your
cholesterol. Soy protein also provides fiber, which is also associated
with a lower risk of cardiovascular disease. Choose minimally
processed soy foods for the best heart benefits; tofu and soy milk are
great options.

Keep Your Bones Strong

Osteoporosis can be a great concern for women, but according to Gloria
Tsang, R.D. in an article published on HealthCastle.com, including soy
protein in your diet is one way help keep your bones strong and
healthy. Soy products contain high levels of calcium, and soy also
contains magnesium and boron, which work with the calcium to build
healthy bones. Two studies cited by Tsang show that the isoflavones in
soy may reduce the risk of fracture and increase bone mineral density
in post-menopausal women.

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Zuma Delux collection (6 in 1) Game added!

2012-02-01T19:54:00.001-08:00

Just added a new game for PC users!

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Name: Zuma Delux collection (6 in 1)
Size: 336mb
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Soy Protein decreases Heart Disease! Do you know.

2012-02-01T04:39:00.001-08:00

Soy protein reduces the cholesterol and help to reduce the risk of
heart disease. The most important scientific study about the
relationship of soy protein intake and heart disease is the meta-study
by Anderson et al. They concluded that the consumption of soy protein
rather than animal protein significantly decreased serum
concentrations of total cholesterol, LDL cholesterol, and
triglycerides without significantly affecting serum HDL cholesterol
concentrations.

Anthony MS et al found that isoflavones in soy protein improve
cardiovascular disease risk factors without apparent deleterious
effects on the reproductive system of peripubertal rhesus monkeys
(Soybean isoflavones improve cardiovascular risk factors without
affecting the reproductive system of peripubertal rhesus monkeys.
Journal of Nutrition 1996;126:43-50).

Erdman, J.W et all recommend in their study (Soy protein and
cardiovascular disease: A statement for healthcare professionals from
the nutrition committee of the AHA. Circulation 2000;102(20):2555-9)
that including soy protein in a diet low in saturated fat and
cholesterol promotes heart health. They found that the daily
consumption of more than 25 g soy protein, with its associated
isoflavones, could improve lipid profiles in hypercholesterolemic
humans. They also found that soy protein without the isoflavones
appears to be less effective in preventing heart disease. Taking
isoflavones supplements without soy protein does not lower cholesterol
but may provide other cardiovascular benefits.

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IGI 2 Covert Strike Game added!

2012-01-31T20:24:00.001-08:00

Remember Project IGI v1!! hah!

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Name: Project IGI v2 - Covery Strike
Size: 185mb
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Remember Mame32 Games?

2012-01-30T22:29:00.001-08:00

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Scared of Zombies?

2012-01-30T21:17:00.001-08:00

So, you aren't scared hah!

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Season Of The Witch direct download!

2012-01-30T04:36:00.001-08:00

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Name: Season Of The Witch
Size: 500 mb
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Jurrassic Park movie added!

2012-01-30T02:56:00.001-08:00

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Name: Jurassic Park
Size: 800 mb
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Fifa 2011 for PC just added!

2012-01-30T00:36:00.001-08:00

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I have added a new game. You can download it directly by pasting
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Name: Fifa 2011 for PC
Size: 5.7 Gb
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NFS2Shift with Crack - Game just added!

2012-01-29T23:04:00.001-08:00

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Call of Duty - Black OPS is here!

2012-01-29T20:35:00.001-08:00

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130 Cartoons with Episodes - Direct links!

2012-01-27T03:37:00.001-08:00

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TV Show - OFF the MAP Season just added!

2012-01-27T01:22:00.001-08:00

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2012-01-27T00:28:00.001-08:00

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Freedom Fighter Game added!

2012-01-27T00:21:00.001-08:00

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Hostel-III movie is here!

2012-01-26T23:51:00.001-08:00

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Alvin and The Chipmunks movie added!

2012-01-26T20:40:00.001-08:00

On request Danielle Broomfield,

Following movie has beed added to Fun-Talk.

Movie: Alvin and The Chipmunks Chipwrecked [2011]
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2012-01-26T03:45:00.001-08:00

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Plant vs Zombies - Game link added!

2012-01-26T02:22:00.001-08:00

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The Smurfs 2011 - Movie link added!

2012-01-26T00:05:00.001-08:00

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2012-01-25T22:34:00.001-08:00

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2012-01-25T20:29:00.001-08:00

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2012-01-24T21:07:00.001-08:00

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2012-01-17T07:12:00.001-08:00

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It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

So we finally took our 3 kids to see Santa yesterday and it was the first time there was no crying - not even from my 9 month old. Does that constitute a Christmas miracle? I think that's worth something.

So head on over to our Facebook page and Like us for another announcement soon on a Best Buy gift card give-away.

I'll be seeing you over there...

Christmas Morning Surprise

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.

She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.

While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said. "You were right, all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

Christmas Parrot

A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop... "Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend."

"You came to the right place. How about a parrot?"

"I don't know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal."

"It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. LEt me show you."

The pet shop worker raises the parrot's right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish.." The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. "Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh..." The match is then removed.

The man enthusiastically says, "That's really neat. Let me hear the third song."

The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrot's legs. "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.."

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 11/19/2011

2011-11-19T02:03:00.000-08:00

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Gobble, Gobble

No Pay

A woman called a union plumber to her Manhattan apartment to fix a leaking pipe. The plumber was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious well-stacked babe. During the course of his visit they became quite "friendly."

Late in the afternoon the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans. Putting down the phone, she said, "My husband is on his way home, but he has to go back to the office around eight. If you come back then we can take up where we left off."

The plumber looked at her in disbelief. "What? On my own time?!"

Don't Mash 'Em

Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls."

Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"

"No", Sue answers. "That dirty."

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 9/29/2011

2011-09-29T02:03:00.000-07:00

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It's an Honor to Watch Great Athletes

The MLB Playoffs are just around the corner. That's when we get to watch so many great athletes in peak physical conditioning duke it out in a 3-hour (or more) slugfest (or not).

That physical specimen on the left? Why that's Bartolo Colon.

Jimminy crickets that guy is big! What happened to him? I used to think CC Sabathia was one of the big-boned folks but this guy looks like he ate CC.

Pinstripes are definitely not slimming!

But the real reason I like the playoffs is because that signifies fall, for me. I don't care what the calendar says. It's almost as if the weather gods know that America's past time (baseball, not eating) has begun and it's time to put the nation in a deep freeze.

Anywho... Play ball! And come on cooler weather!

Oh yeah. Like us on Facebook! I'm still about 20 people away from giving away a $25 gift card. I'm going to give it away once we hit 250 fans. My suggestion was for Best Buy. Someone on Facebook suggested a gas card. So you've got your choice if you're chosen. But you HAVE to like us on Facebook to be entered.

Women Can't Play Baseball

A man and a woman are sitting at a bar having a friendly chat about sports. The man, a bit tipsy, decided to tell her his opinions of women and sports.

"You know why women can't play baseball? Because if they had to choose between catching a baby falling from the stands or the baseball they would choose the baby without even considering if there was a man on base."

Definitely

A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange."

The second little boy says"Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK. Then I DEFINITELY shit my pants."

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 9/25/2011

2011-09-25T02:03:00.000-07:00

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Don't Ask - and Certainly Don't Tell!

You are now staring at the face of the modern US Military, folks! Rambo is so butch and 80's. These Rambones are in and looking fabulous!!!!!

I'm sure there was a lot of pushing back on this issue when it was initially outed, but why?

Are they saying a gay man can't fight? Believe me, I'm seen some cat-fights and it gets vicious.

If Chaz Bono can dance in the street on National TV getting all the glory while our troops are largely faceless, I don't see why they care where that face is at night...

The weekend's coming up. Make it count!

Oh yeah, if you haven't Liked us on Facebook yet, come on over. Soon as we hit 250 Likes, I'm giving away a $25 gift card. That's right, I'm trying to buy your love...

This Place Stinks

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

Check The List

Little Johnny was an altar boy at the local Catholic Church.

One day Father Donovan asked Little Johnny to watch the confessional booth while he took a short bathroom break.

"I don't know what to do Father," Little Johnny said.

"It's easy Johnny," the Father said. "All you have to do is look on the little alphabetical list inside the booth to see how many Hail Mary's they need to say."

"Ok I can do that," Little Johnny thought.

Little Johnny was inside the confessional booth when a woman walked in.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned" the woman said.

"What did you do?" asked Little Johnny.

"I committed Adultery," she said.

Little Johnny looked on the list and found Adultery and told the woman to say 10 Hail Mary's.

"Anything else?" Johnny asked.

"Yes, Father, I also gave him a blowjob," she wept.

Johnny looked up and down the list several times and couldn't find blowjob.

He stuck his head out of the booth and said, "Hey Danny, what does Father Donovan usually give for a blowjob?"

"A twinkie and a coke," Danny said.

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 9/13/2011

2011-09-13T02:03:00.000-07:00

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I'm sitting here in my hotel room in Nashville, TN ready for a mobile conference that runs Monday-Wednesday.

I'm at the Opryland Hotel and this place is huge!

I walked around for a little bit and saw a sign for a 1/4 mile indoor river. I still haven't seen the river itself. How is that possible?

My guess is it's somewhere around the jungle area I came across.

Ridiculous...

It's Chainin' Men, Hallelujah

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER, this chain brings luck. One woman broke the chain and her pit bull died. The next day she received an NFL offensive tackle. An unmarried Jewish woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a successful gynecologist.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain, and got her own husband back again.

Like A Baby

A young couple was about to get married. But first, the girl said she had to make a confession: the reason they had not been intimate was she was very flat chested. If he wanted to cancel the wedding, then she would understand.

He thought a while and said he didn't mind because, after all, sex was not the most important thing in a marriage. Then he said he too had a confession: below the waist, he was just like a baby. If she wanted to cancel the marriage, then he too would understand.

She thought a while and said that she didn't mind either, because sex was not the most important in a marriage.

On their wedding night, she took off her clothes and, sure enough, she was as flat as a board. When the guy took off his clothes, the girl fainted. When he relieved her, he asked her what was wrong.

She said, "You told me it was just like a baby."

And he replied, "Well, yeah. 8 pounds, 21 inches!"

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 8/27/2011

2011-08-27T02:04:00.001-07:00

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Man, the Northeast is getting pummeled. Just this week, they've had an Earthquake. Next week they have a hurricane on tap. Never mind the fact all the Politicians are in Washington.

Stay safe, all my friends up in that neck of the woods.

Anywho, did you know we added knock knock jokes to the site lately?

I could use some more, so if you know any, send them on over!

If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer

If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer

Here's an easy game to play.

Here's an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort. And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash. Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this? What a shame, sir! We'll find you another game, sir!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss, So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC. Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Knock Knock Boy Blue

Knock, Knock!

Who's There?

Little boy blue.

Little boy blue who?

Michael Jackson!

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 8/7/2011

2011-08-07T02:03:00.001-07:00

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ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!

Well, something like football, at least... Preseason games start this week and my Dolphins are about to hit the field. You better believe that this is going to be their year.

And yes, I realize I say that every year...

Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I've got plans of grilling some food and breaking out the Jesus juice once the real games roll around and that's not too far away. With all of these free agents still signing, it'll be here before we know it.

Ladies - see you in January (or February if this is indeed Miami's season.

Even Geeks Like Jokes

Hey Bro, Do you know any jokes about Nitric Oxide Hypobromite?

NO BrO

I Can Tell She Was Satisfied

An Italian, Frenchman and redneck are discussing sex with their women.

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love withah my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats ah 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That's nothing buddy. When I've finished doin' it to the ole lady, I git out of bed, walks over to the winder and wipe my dick on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling!"

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 7/29/2011

2011-07-29T02:03:00.000-07:00

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We're Not in Kansas Anymore, Toto

In honor of gay marriage, I thought this image was appropriate. I want to wish my buddy Macho man a safe trip up to New York.

And just to mix it up a little bit on my end of things, I had breakfast for dinner. That's right - French Toast and sausage links at night. That's right - getting crazy with it over here...

Have a good Friday, everyone!

You not following us on Facebook? You're missing out.

I'm Going To Whip You

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks named Rufus and Clarence.

They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.

"You better thank yor lucky stars I can't swim or I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back.

"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and builds a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.

Finally, Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I can't take no more!! Everyday for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge, have at it."

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna cross that there bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up on to the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up and turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove, panting and gasping, under the bed.

"Rufus!" cried the misses.

"I thought you were gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus! cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus," I went to the bridge and I stepped up on the bridge and walked halfway over the bridge. I looked up..."

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" and he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!"

This One is Fruity

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 7/23/2011

2011-07-23T02:04:00.000-07:00

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Hot Enough For Ya!?

It's pretty hot outside for most of the US. As a Florida resident, welcome to my world. Seems like I've been putting up with this since April.

Anywho, I've been putting in some work on EmailAJoke lately adding some stand-up videos (my favorite comedians coming soon), plenty of new pictures including some funny tattoo misspellings and some new jokes.

Oh yeah - there's thousands of you on this list, but only a couple hundred have found your way over to 'Like' us on Facebook. What are you waiting for?

That's the Ticket

Rumor has it that Anthony Weiner is going to run for president and has chosen U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder as his running mate.

Get your Weiner-Holder bumper stickers early, before they are all gone.

I'm Sure It's Harder To Hear

Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears?

She was afraid of getting hearing aids!

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 6/28/2011

2011-06-28T02:05:00.000-07:00

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What's new everyone? Got plans for the 4th of July weekend yet?

It's just a couple of days away but I can't wait. Seems like I've been stuck in this house or at work for ages. 3 days off in a row would be nice right about now.

Seeing as I probably won't send anymore jokes before Monday, everyone try and make it to Tuesday with all their digits intact.

Without further ado...

Earth Father?

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.

"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.

"Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Laughing in the Grass

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 6/20/2011

2011-06-20T02:04:00.000-07:00

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I hope all the dads out there had a good Father's day. Don't we all wish we could go back to a simpler time where there were defined roles?

Now that I have 3 kids of my own, I understand what being a parent and a father are, but I still don't think I'd ever name one of my kids The Beaver. I wonder what was on Ward's mind when he thunk up thought one...

Get to Work!

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...

Tarzan Style

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very, very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look, got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels."

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 6/7/2011

2011-06-07T02:03:00.000-07:00

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Before you hit the 'spam' button, you signed up to be on this list. I know - it's been so long you probably forgot.

I bet you thought I made it to Rapture.

Nope, I'm still here. And yes, these are some crazy times, so it's time to inject some humor into every day life...

I can honestly say these are the first jokes added to EmailAJoke.com in years. That's right - Monica Lewinsky jokes have run their course here but it's time for some Obama jokes.

Or anyone in politics is fair game really. But please, no Weiner jokes.

It Was a Stick-Up

Obama was leaving the country club golf course when he was accosted by an armed robber who demanded, "Give me all of your money!"

Barack haughtily replied, "Do you know who I am. I'm the President of the United States!"

The robber snarled back, "Then give me all my money."

Geek Speek For Spanking The Monkey

Killing the pop-up
Hoping the webcam is off
Recalibrating the joystick
Reallocating the DNA
Inserting a card into the HAND bus
Banging the space bar
Performing diagnostics on the hard drive
Commanding the prompt
Meeting Mr. Sticky-keys
Cleaning the lightsaber
Lefthanded mousing

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EmailAJoke.com Mailing List - 3/6/2011

2011-03-06T02:03:00.001-08:00

Unsubscribe instructions at bottom of e-mail

As you can see from my last newsletter, I really was busy!

Hard to believe 7 months have already passed since then. But the due date is Tuesday and if he's not out by Friday, induction is scheduled for the 11th.

Seeing as I don't send this newsletter out too much anymore, if you'd like to get more frequent updates, check out EmailAJoke's Facebook page.

Wish my wife and I luck! We're going to need it (this is baby #3)...

You Know You Are Canadian If

You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1 page, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You find -40C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

Milk It Does The Body Good

This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No. Just up to my tits."